Author: The Writer

LORD, my life took a strange turn,
and I ended up somewhere unexpected.
I keep looking back – confused
and wondering what happened.

But You don’t waste detours.
You’re teaching me something
I might never have learned
on another path.

Help me stop trying to get back
to what I had planned and instead to see
the good things happening here –
how You’re meeting me where I am.

Teach me to be content in my discontent.
To trust that You’re at work in this season of my life.
In Jesus’ name, amen.

God is forever expressing love. 

God is forever extending love.

God is forever revealing love. 

In the “cleft of the rock,” God sanctuaries me.

Throughout this day and the day that follows, my spirit has dwelt upon the way God has kept me in the cleft of the rock.

One year ago (just as a year before that with Kim Renee), I drove to Crater Lake on a pre-hire reconnaissance mission to be more than prepared for what the job would ask of me. There was so much more to this drive, which filled my spirit and encouraged me in ways I’m not going to touch upon in this note.
While the journey was not the same as going to Mt Lassen NP (Spring 2024) for the position I thought I was preparing to accept, it did share many spiritual elements. Peace filled my spirit as I learned to accept that God was pointing me in a different direction.

At the time, not being hired for any of these positions was very deflating, a sort of denial that I had any value as a designer of things I do so well. 

It is worth mentioning a similar position at Sequoia National Park I interviewed for this past March with the hiring manager, Sage. On our third phone conversation, I asked him what would happen IF the administration’s Federal employee cuts hit just as I got hired and moved to Three Rivers? Sage was already feeling this, and said it would be the worst thing, as both he and his spouse work for NPS.

Unfortunately, it happened. After serving NPS for more than 20 years, the couple became unemployed in the middle of the Sierra Nevada range. With the change in administration, anyone hired in the last year, personnel who had changed positions, or those who transferred to a new location lost their jobs, and I would have been one of them.

In the meantime, I was given this position in hospital services, which does not match my talents but brought me a greater appreciation for humanity and what we go through in our steps from birth to death. 

It has been a challenge for me spiritually to refrain from pursuing my own desires and instead dedicate my time to helping my parents navigate their needs. I approach this responsibility as a daily commitment, doing my best to serve with love and dedication, as if I were doing it for Christ. I believe there are eternal rewards for showing love, especially when it requires a higher level of personal attentiveness & devotion on my part.

The position I hold allows me to experience various methods of healing. There is medical healing, surgical healing, and psychiatric healing. Additionally, there is spiritual healing, which, although it may not be central to hospital practices, has offered me many insights and techniques. I’m incorporating these into my repertoire for future use.

There is also the matter of where I live and the relationship with the person I share a house with. We are friends, not lovers. We are roommates, not soulmates. We get along, but we are not of the same mind. This is okay; it is where we are and where we have been; it speaks to who we see in each other. At any given moment she could tell me, I am done, I am through, it’s time to be done with us too. I see her processing this from time to time. 

I see the way God has held me in the Cleft of the rock. I am His.

September 12, 2025 7:30 am

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In all that has transpired, my heart remains unscathed by bitterness or resentment. Yes, I have felt hurt and a deep sense of loss. To these, my faith says that joy is yet to come. Each of us has a willingness to follow our heart’s calling. It is not mine to tell another what or how to think, but to understand that they have the right to be who they are. And to be aligned with them is an honor. Kim Renee felt that something about me didn’t meet her expectations, which led her to doubt everything about our connection. Although I didn’t share her feelings in this regard, I had to accept her change of heart. That is what true, holy love does. If this was part of God’s plan, that was enough for me. Did that change or diminish my love for her? No. Did this life event cause me to rethink our covenant to keep one another in prayer? No.

Doors open and doors close. Sometimes one must wait for the best God has to offer.

In February, I did not know where I was going or what I would do, but my faith carried me through. 

Was I supposed to take one of these jobs that I was being reviewed for? Was I to accept the offer from Modesto and move there? It looked like I was going to have to find a place of my own, and that would still require a job. Steve was good with me staying at his house in Salem. While the offer was extremely kind, I did not want to overstay my welcome. However, every job lead I had was in the Sacramento Valley. Some were remote, some were hybrid. Then there were the jobs for the National Park Service and Cal Parks, which I really wanted. 

Dealing with the tremendous winter storm damage in January showed Ree and I could still work together if we had to. Three trees went down, requiring chainsaws and hours of cleanup. The garage door had seized while open, allowing 55-60 mph wind to blow snow and ice into the garage, creating a snowdrift around the cars. The pressure also caused the garage interior door to fly open and cracked the frame. It could only be closed by stacking furniture against it. Snow still blew in. Due to several days without power, we couch-surfed at our daughter’s home (they were without power as well). After many challenging conversations, we decided to at least attempt being friends, whatever the future may hold.

I returned to Salem until, during prayer, it was given to me that my time there was done. The box of coffee, a French press, gifts, an envelope I never dared to open, and the acceptance letter from Cal Careers arrived. It broke me. I had achieved eligibility for what I could do but was rejected for who I am (or predetermined to be).
In March, I moved out of Steve’s place and back to Troutdale as I awaited an offer of a position. Nothing in me wanted to do this; all of my being screamed to NOT do this. Humbled by my lack of viable options, I relocated.
Because it was still freezing at night, grace was extended, and I was given a bedroom and my own half bath. The separation gave her a greater resolve to be independent of me and to do things she wanted. A significant amount of this time was used to mend my relationship with my oldest daughter, who felt that I had abandoned her. For my own spirit, I needed to stay completely immersed in Christ. I looked for work, for property, and tried to be ready for where God was leading me next. I’ve never unpacked.

April 5, 2024, 7:07 a.m.

Step forward in your faith, Jeffery.

“Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in these trials is this: your promise preserves my life.” Psalm 119: 49-50 

 

April 11th, 2024, 7:05a

Erased. The feeling of being forgotten and abandoned is difficult to cope with when a relationship ends or a situation removes you from a familiar circle. It hurts when a promise is broken, and the outcome causes dissolution and pain so deep it feels impossible to rise above it. When all that is removed, it leaves the heart in a place without foundation or an anchor to hold fast to.

Psalm 139:1 through 24 (exclude 19 through 22)

To begin a way out of erasure, know who you are – loved by God without restraint – held close. 

Psalm 138:8 seals this word.

You have a plan. It is never random but always according to Your purpose and desire. Time is irrelevant; preparation and execution are what matter. I cannot move what is already set, nor can I influence the waves of the sea. Your righteous path is enough for me. 

February 3, 2024, 3:43 p.m. 

Today there’s been a lot on my heart, reflecting on all that has transpired since August 11th. 

A marker on the path was set that very day, and an answer to prayer was given to me. I followed that marker… 

I’d been reconnected with Kim Renee, and at first, it was a very delicate connection. We had been placed on ‘silent’, per her request, for 12 months. As I was out on a solo day trip – on my birthday – to receive a birthday wish text message from her at the very moment I did was so holy, and so exactly to God’s timing that there was no way to miss the message. 

Under a canopy of tall trees, I had been crying out as to whether I should stay and continue in the misery – or be brought into a union with someone who loves You, God, just as much as I do.

I mentioned Kim Renee in this prayer with all of my spirit. I could not have known that a text message was awaiting connectivity. The ‘ping’ came, and the conversation began. 

I was invited to a concert. It was tentative and completely open to whether I even wanted to be around her or if it was okay with God. This was a matter of prayer because I was well into a marital separation and did not want to add any gasoline to the fires already bursting into flames all around. I brought it up to Ree, and she told me to do what I wanted; it didn’t matter.
So, I went. I arrived for her birthday, a concert, a trip into the woods, a tour of the coastal forest, and so, so much more. The holy spirit blessed us all along the way. In a summer thunderstorm, it swirled and wrapped around us. We traveled and lodged and camped and loved one another as I had not been loved before.

During my personal upheaval, a deluge of sunshine and warmth was given beyond measure. I had new hope.

It came just in time because separation brings hostility, anger, resentment, and a bucket load of bitterness. September was soon to follow and would be the impetus for hate to explode and for me to move, first outside of the house into the bus, and then to this place in Salem. 

It was Kim who gave me her spiritual ultimatum that she could not have any connection with me if I were still living in the house. And so, until then, I was out. “Good-bye”

I understood and accepted. Until out and on my own, this was “on hold”.

Kim mandated silence, but she could not hold to the very ruling she had made, and in November she let me know that not being there to celebrate alongside her at Haley & Johnny’s wedding felt like I had abandoned her. She was also displeased that I had not connected with her dad. And although I did not return Ken’s phone call on the day he left me a message, I DID respond within days. Truly, I could not have known that there was any urgency.
This conversation between her and me brought us back to an even and open discourse. But it was brief. She asked me to NOT contact her until I was 100% free. “Good-bye”, she said.

Silence again. 

One night as I lay in my room at Steve’s house, I was stirred by the Holy Spirit to share with her what a blessing she had always been to me. I had to let her know she mattered. It was a message sent to her via text.
For the next 10 days, we shared deep conversation, prayer, thoughts about God, and where each of us was on the trail of life. She knew what I was working on in regard to gaining employment in the Sacramento area and what it would offer us. She shared the excitement of going to the Dogstar concert and the weekend in Coloma. I promised to be there as soon as the weather cleared and/or an interview called for my appearance. I knew it also required 100% free, which was not far off.
Then on December 11, everything flipped once again. This felt like a stomach punch out of left field. During the call, she diminished me and questioned my very manhood, character, and integrity. It came even as I was lifting her, giving her credit for all she’d been through and endured, commending her for how strong she is. It was a very difficult, hard stop. 
I prayed for understanding. Could she not see and believe that I was hers, that we were blessed, and that the little bit of waiting was worth the joy to come? She only saw that I was not there.

A thick distance formed between us, and due to my fear of rejection, I did not dare reach out to her because of what she said – and how she cemented that until I am no longer married or connected by any binding- do NOT try to have a relationship with her. That was a line not to be crossed. It was Christmas for most, but I only wondered how this had turned so uncertain. It was hell.

So, when I reached out to break the ice and to ask if she was well, if we still had a connection, and if the door was still open for me… Her response broke my spirit with its finality. “Good-bye!”

That was 19 days ago. 

From then till now, she texted me a photo of my exam results and wrote a little bit of a message to go with it. There was nothing to give me hope. That was a week ago. 

Here, today, my heart is awaiting my compass bearing. She had me 100%, and just as it was coming together, the floor fell out. Lord, I did everything I was asked to do: to be sufficient and not a burden, but rather a blessing. Ready for the newness together.

Crushed.

Many hours and a lot of effort have been placed into eligibility to work for the state of California. I have become an eligible candidate, and an HR Manager has been in touch with me. If I am offered a position with Cal Fire, I will need a California address, and the only one I have does not welcome me. In fact, any positions with the state of California require a California address, whether hybrid or remote. Do I want, am I capable of, and is it even in my heart’s desire to move and start over by myself? 

I sit on my bed and in the chair and pray on the floor here in my nest of solace, in Salem. 

Lord God, I trust You in this. 

ADD NOTE: 

I realized that I can do anything You send me to do. If You send me out on my own, You are with me, God. If You send me out, I will find a place. My life belongs to You, LORD.