February 3, 2024, 3:43 p.m.
Today there’s been a lot on my heart, reflecting on all that has transpired since August 11th.
A marker on the path was set that very day, and an answer to prayer was given to me. I followed that marker…
I’d been reconnected with Kim Renee, and at first, it was a very delicate connection. We had been placed on ‘silent’, per her request, for 12 months. As I was out on a solo day trip – on my birthday – to receive a birthday wish text message from her at the very moment I did was so holy, and so exactly to God’s timing that there was no way to miss the message.
Under a canopy of tall trees, I had been crying out as to whether I should stay and continue in the misery – or be brought into a union with someone who loves You, God, just as much as I do.
I mentioned Kim Renee in this prayer with all of my spirit. I could not have known that a text message was awaiting connectivity. The ‘ping’ came, and the conversation began.
I was invited to a concert. It was tentative and completely open to whether I even wanted to be around her or if it was okay with God. This was a matter of prayer because I was well into a marital separation and did not want to add any gasoline to the fires already bursting into flames all around. I brought it up to Ree, and she told me to do what I wanted; it didn’t matter.
So, I went. I arrived for her birthday, a concert, a trip into the woods, a tour of the coastal forest, and so, so much more. The holy spirit blessed us all along the way. In a summer thunderstorm, it swirled and wrapped around us. We traveled and lodged and camped and loved one another as I had not been loved before.
During my personal upheaval, a deluge of sunshine and warmth was given beyond measure. I had new hope.
It came just in time because separation brings hostility, anger, resentment, and a bucket load of bitterness. September was soon to follow and would be the impetus for hate to explode and for me to move, first outside of the house into the bus, and then to this place in Salem.
It was Kim who gave me her spiritual ultimatum that she could not have any connection with me if I were still living in the house. And so, until then, I was out. “Good-bye”
I understood and accepted. Until out and on my own, this was “on hold”.
Kim mandated silence, but she could not hold to the very ruling she had made, and in November she let me know that not being there to celebrate alongside her at Haley & Johnny’s wedding felt like I had abandoned her. She was also displeased that I had not connected with her dad. And although I did not return Ken’s phone call on the day he left me a message, I DID respond within days. Truly, I could not have known that there was any urgency.
This conversation between her and me brought us back to an even and open discourse. But it was brief. She asked me to NOT contact her until I was 100% free. “Good-bye”, she said.
Silence again.
One night as I lay in my room at Steve’s house, I was stirred by the Holy Spirit to share with her what a blessing she had always been to me. I had to let her know she mattered. It was a message sent to her via text.
For the next 10 days, we shared deep conversation, prayer, thoughts about God, and where each of us was on the trail of life. She knew what I was working on in regard to gaining employment in the Sacramento area and what it would offer us. She shared the excitement of going to the Dogstar concert and the weekend in Coloma. I promised to be there as soon as the weather cleared and/or an interview called for my appearance. I knew it also required 100% free, which was not far off.
Then on December 11, everything flipped once again. This felt like a stomach punch out of left field. During the call, she diminished me and questioned my very manhood, character, and integrity. It came even as I was lifting her, giving her credit for all she’d been through and endured, commending her for how strong she is. It was a very difficult, hard stop.
I prayed for understanding. Could she not see and believe that I was hers, that we were blessed, and that the little bit of waiting was worth the joy to come? She only saw that I was not there.
A thick distance formed between us, and due to my fear of rejection, I did not dare reach out to her because of what she said – and how she cemented that until I am no longer married or connected by any binding- do NOT try to have a relationship with her. That was a line not to be crossed. It was Christmas for most, but I only wondered how this had turned so uncertain. It was hell.
So, when I reached out to break the ice and to ask if she was well, if we still had a connection, and if the door was still open for me… Her response broke my spirit with its finality. “Good-bye!”
That was 19 days ago.
From then till now, she texted me a photo of my exam results and wrote a little bit of a message to go with it. There was nothing to give me hope. That was a week ago.
Here, today, my heart is awaiting my compass bearing. She had me 100%, and just as it was coming together, the floor fell out. Lord, I did everything I was asked to do: to be sufficient and not a burden, but rather a blessing. Ready for the newness together.
Crushed.
Many hours and a lot of effort have been placed into eligibility to work for the state of California. I have become an eligible candidate, and an HR Manager has been in touch with me. If I am offered a position with Cal Fire, I will need a California address, and the only one I have does not welcome me. In fact, any positions with the state of California require a California address, whether hybrid or remote. Do I want, am I capable of, and is it even in my heart’s desire to move and start over by myself?
I sit on my bed and in the chair and pray on the floor here in my nest of solace, in Salem.
Lord God, I trust You in this.
ADD NOTE:
I realized that I can do anything You send me to do. If You send me out on my own, You are with me, God. If You send me out, I will find a place. My life belongs to You, LORD.